Remember Love Project

I carried a smug look on my face throughout most of the interrogation. Answering them with as little information as possible because I still didn’t know what this relationship meant to me. This is when they informed me that they ran into Jamie at the mall and saw that she was wearing the ring. This didn’t surprise me too much, but what did surprise me was when they said it was on a chain around her neck. That is when the latitude of the situation truly struck me and the smirk slide off my face. It was getting real now.

She wasn’t there that night but I ran into her the next day and immediately took back what was mine. I think she knew I was spooked. There were some school crushes prior to this but nothing even came close to this realm until now. To avoid confusion I stuck the ring in its case and threw it in a drawer. Things continued to pick up with Jamie and we saw each other on a regular basis until she left for six weeks on some language trip, I really can’t recall too many details suffice to say that she wasn’t around for half of the summer.

She sent some letters by mail and we spoke a fair bit online. Despite her absence things still seemed to be moving forward. She was convinced that when she returned she would have to teach me how to kiss. This forced me to start thinking, did I want her to be my first? What did I really want out of this relationship? I always believed that dating was a way to find ones soul mate. It was intimate and purposeful. Did I think that Jamie could be the one? Or was I just fulfilling some selfish desires? These questions and others like them carried on in my head throughout the rest of the summer. I was nervous, I was scared and I was in uncharted waters. The last think I wanted to do was hurt her. So when I spoke to her online next I tried to do what I thought was best; I told her that I wasn’t interested in her ‘like that’ but didn’t want it to change our relationship. She didn’t take the news too well and began smoking to ease the pain. The last half of her trip was very hard for her.

When she returned she referenced the current trendy girls magazine stating that it is okay for girls and guys to be strictly friends yet be close physically. So, in essence, nothing changed. I have hormones just like the next guy and anything that suggested benefits but left out the baggage sounded good to me. We would embrace each other while saying goodnight, we spooned on the couch and spent plenty of time in her room behind locked door. Nothing indecent came of it. I wouldn’t let it. I was naive to believe that she wasn’t emotionally involved. When school started up again in the fall we decided it would be fun to take a class together. Since she was a grade below mine I ended up taking a psych class in her level. Luckily Ryan was also in this class.

Everything started with playful banter like ‘Do you line someone?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Who?’ ‘I don’t know, who do you like?’ And so on. I didn’t know what I was doing but enjoyed being so cryptic. This carried on for a couple of weeks resulting in my going places just hoping that she would be there. We began to hang out together. Conversations were still full of mystery and uncertainty but that was part of the fun.

The recently finished school year was a glorious one for my football team. We fought our way right through to the provincial finals and won that too. I was so proud to be a part of this accomplishment despite it being my first year on the team and I sat on the bench for 95% of it. There were two separate celebratory memorabilia to purchase and I got them both. Everywhere I went I wore my championship letter jacket, which was red with white leather sleeves and my championship ring, which was extremely gaudy just like every other football ring out there.

So after a few weeks of getting to know each other she began to play with my ring whenever we were together. Without fail I would get the ring back before we parted for the night. Jamie, in particular, was greatly diligent in this. But late one night the ring stayed in her possession. Three days later, everyone was getting together at a rather secluded park. I coasted down the steep hill and made my way for the group. Ryan noticed me first and said ‘There he is!’ to Justin and they both made their way toward me. I could tell that there was no ill intent in their minds but still had no idea what was going on. They took me under my arms and proceeded to drag me backwards 20 feet to the slide on the jungle gym where they laid me down in the half cylinder horizontal slide. This gave them prime advantage to secure me in the slide. With them lording over me on either side, they began to drill me with heavily implacable questions on my relationship with Jamie.

A lot of people dismiss love at first sight, up until this moment I hadn’t given it much thought. It was perfect. This is about the time when her boyfriend, Mark, walked in and sat right beside her. I didn’t find out they were dating for another week or so but I assumed it could be possible. The three of us went on talking for a bit. Jokes and small talk ensued, I had a hard time taking my eyes off her. It was entrapment. Up until this moment I never knew what it was like to actually be interested in someone. I wanted more, I wanted to find out her habits, her mannerisms, everything that related to her interested me.

The night went on and there wasn’t a moment where I didn’t know where she was in the room. This evening was as enjoyable as the previous one. There were games, talking and just hanging out to fill the evening. The night wrapped up and many of us were just lingering when I was approached by another attractive girl, in a tom-boy-ish kinda way. Her name was Nancy. She was completely excited that I was there and wanted to know how I had been enjoying myself. After which she asked me if I felt any differently. I had no idea what she was talking about, however I was happier. Nancy was full of life and seemed to bounce off the walls with great poise. She was cute but I wasn’t interested or at least not the way I was with the other girl.

Friendships grew and relationships progressed. To my surprise a number of these people went to the same school as me. This was exciting, there were other people for me to not at in passing which in itself seemed to posses social status if only in my head. I actually had plans, every weekend was packed tight with as much of my new company as I could handle there was even the occasional mid-week get together where we would typically go over to Mark’s place and watch a movie.

Before I found this group of friends there were three people whom I had been hanging out with on a regular basis. My best friend at the time was Derek, the biggest computer nerd in the school. He taught me what I know today and I am greatful for it. Most nights the two of us would compete via modem or in person with whatever game we could find. At least a third of the time we tried to coerce our hermit friend, Charlie, to brave the brightly shining sun and join us but he would rarely do so. Finally there was Ryan, the social butterfly that casually and seamlessly came and went from our lives. There were several groups that he could interchangeably switch between as he saw fit. He is the one that invited me to join this new group of friendship and I thank him for it. But I have a feeling that I would have ended up there eventually. Despite my low social standing I was part of the football team, Which is precisely one half of the interests my father passed down to me. As much as this increased my popularity it had absolutely no affect on my social standing. In my second year of football approximately five months before I was invited to join this new group of friends there was a new jock in the school named Dan, who transferred over from another school. I gradually began to get to know him, at the only speed I know how, however Ryan is quite a bit faster than I am.

By the time came, in casual conversation, that I discovered She was dating Mark I had already discovered so much more. He is a wonderfully talented musician. They had been dating for a fairly long time, considering our age. They both went to the same school which was not the one I attended. And She is the perfect height for me. Also around this time everyone seemed to be pairing off. I’m still not entirely sure how it happened but Ryan met some guys who lived in a neighbouring city and as a result he also met a girl whom he immediately began to date. All three of these guys were brothers and we affectionately referred to them as the Abbotsford boys. Trevor was the oldest but only one year older than me. Ryan and Trevor soon became very close friends but Jake was the one that I got along with best, he was the middle one. Travis was the youngest being one, maybe two, years younger than me. They seemed to start showing up randomly every couple of weeks.

Another month or so had passed and summer ascended with everyone in a relationship and me continuously being the odd man out. I set my sails toward Jamie, a girl that had been eying me for a while now. I decided to, for once in my life, try to let this girl get to know me. This is a very hard thing for a guy who has no experience, confidence or adequate communication skills to try. It turns out I didn’t have to do much opening up at all. All I had to do was pay attention to her.

“We have to be honest with each other”, that is how it ended. The last serious conversation I had with HER. I still can remember it vividly. That day was hopeful, it was relaxing, maybe even a little bit promising.

There are times of great importance in my life when I do actually recognize the importance immediately after it takes place. In those moments I do my best to document the situation. This was one of those moments. However hastily I may have written, it still helps remind me of the smaller, more important, details that allude me over time.

“If this is going to work, we have to be honest with each other.”

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I’ve never been good with communication. Even in the beginning this was a difficult thing for me to do satisfactorily. For the first time in my life I was being accepted with no expectations. Accepted for being their age, for being curious, even for just being present. It felt real good. I didn’t have to prove myself to these people. By just showing up I became one of them. Chances are, I was one of them prior to that as well.

I’m not talking about any of that fake acceptance that I’ve come across so many times since. You know what I’m referring to. Where the whole time you are at an event people are polite to you, they welcome you into their home, they smile the whole time they talk, they take extreme caution in choosing the right words. All the while aggressively alluding to “What the Hell are you doing in my place?” With a sign on the door saying “All are welcome.” They, not so subtly, pronounce that you are unwanted trouble until proven otherwise.

I fully understand why people dislike them. I am full of dislike as well. And they all wonder why they get such a bad wrap.

Who knows, maybe it was that we were all the same age, maybe it was the hesitant fear in my eyes that made these guys produce such an earnest first impression or maybe even it is just a lot of bitterness that forces me to go into a similar situation nowadays full of preemptive judgments. Still to this day I can fairly accurately recall that first day and this is not something that was documented however much of it should have been. These kids brought joy into my solemnly terrified life. I’m in their debt.

It was a Friday that I first enjoyed their company. I believe that this may have been, at this point, the best day of my life. And so, on the following Friday I joined them again. I was not let down. Everyone remembered my name and there was no pressure to remember theirs. This was the turning point in my life, this is where it all changed, this is the day that I met Her. For one reason or another She couldn’t make it to the previous Friday hence my not meeting Her then. I noticed Her right away. As much as I can recall, this being the night I first me Her and the way She looked, where She sat and every other first impression, I can’t recall anything else that took place that night. Okay, well, maybe one thing. But nothing is as detailed as Her.

She was sitting on the edge of a table and we were the only ones in the room (Her being by herself until I entered). I can still see Her smile, Her gentle face, Her casual style and the way She spoke to me. With nothing to hide, nothing at risk, completely full of confidence, the same confidence that I have grown to admire, She told me Her name. At this moment I had fallen. I was stricken, I was lost. That moment still brings a smile to my face when I think about it today. So much promise, so much opportunity, so much confusion.